Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Conversation Will Go Something Like This

After the wedding, you should stop taking your pills.

What's that you say? We need to pay the bills? You'd like to go shopping for drills? Strippers are good for cheap thrills? Oh! Surely it was the last one. Here's fifty in singles. Knock yourself out.

I'm 28 years old.

I am well aware of how old you are. Do you know how old I am?


Yes! I'm a baby myself! A sapling! A tadpole! I am not ready.

You'll be 25 this year. Besides, you always bitch about feeling old.

No, no, that was the immaturity talking. I am so young it's disgusting. I have no wrinkles or gray hair. Parents have those. I do not. No one has children at 25.

Yes, they do.

No! No one does such a thing. Besides, I can't be someone's mother.

Why not? You'd be a good mother.

:::twitch:::: What?

I said you'd be a good mother.

Listen. I would be horrible. I cut people off in traffic. I do not floss regularly, nor do I eat my vegetables. I smoke, and drink. I yell at telemarketers. I curse. A fucking lot. I charge things on my credit card that I do not need. I buy books and then don't read them. I don't rinse out the recyclables. I waste electricity. I am easily irritated. I can be selfish. And a bitch. I am a selfish bitch! My check engine light has been on for ten thousand miles. Ten thousand! I put my contacts in my mouth and then stick them back IN MY EYE. Do you hear that? I rinse off my contacts with my own spit! That's disgusting, even I know it.

Babies don't wear contacts.

I hate you. And you!! You don't put your dirty clothes in the hamper. You get toothpaste all over the sink. You can't cook. You couldn't even make the kid toast in my absence. Half of your underwear has holes in it! Your car is held together with duct tape!

What's your point?

That we're both impossibly immature, of course! Babies. Feh! Are you high?


We'd have to move. We only have one bedroom.

So we'll move.

We can't afford a kid!

We could if you stop buying all those books you never read. And we'll both quit smoking. That'll save a ton of money.

You want to raise a baby on our cigarette money?


Look, there's not ready and then there's Not Ready. I am, most certainly, Not Ready


Could I possibly talk you into a dog?


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